Dancing with the Stars and Stripes: The search for America’s Next Top Boogeyman!

With Qaddafi down and the so gratifying I needed a cigarette afterward cover by the NY Post, the time is right to pitch my next Big Idea to the internet. A reality show where America can choose its next boogeyman from a cast of wily contestants, each with their own special talent. This is democracy in action!

So who is it going to be, America? Who has what it takes to be America’s next top bogyeman? He has to have the total package, brains, looks, brawn, showmanship and special talents.

Will it be Iran? He’s got all the right moves and some of the right enemies. Until two weeks ago, I would have said yes. But the Saudi ambassador assasination plot gives off the distinct odor of desperation, and the Ed Wood like handling of the pacing says that Iran’s campaign is never going to quite work out. Sorry, Iran. America is a winner, she’ll throw down with the occasional hate fuck, but she doesn’t do pity fucks. Its not your fault though, you just have not aged very well. You had bad timing and unfortunate phonetics (Note to other countries: the safest thing you could do right now is to rename yourself to Ira_, just choose a letter, doesn’t matter what. That should buy you a few years until America figures out she hasn’t attacked you yet.)

A decade of mucking around in a couple of Arabish countries like Iraq, Afganistan, Pakistan, Yemen and Syria, America is sick of Arabs winning this contest and want a little fresh blood in the mix.* After all, variety is the spice of life. After screening thousands of applicants, I have selected the biggest, baddest, vilest supervillains we have to offer. So Vote now, America!

* I know the Iranians are Persian, that is a distinction without a difference to America.